When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
