I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Randomize
