I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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