the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
