i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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