Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
