i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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