I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
