did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Randomize
