Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
You did what with his pubic hair?
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