Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
