So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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