My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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