i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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