I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
a search helicopter?!
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Randomize
