All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished�
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
