I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
