Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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