well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
