I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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