hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
