No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
