She's like a pop up book from hell.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
