if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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