Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
