Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
