my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
