we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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