I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
