Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
