I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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