Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
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