Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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