I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
