I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
