Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Terrible idea I love it
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
