Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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