You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Randomize
