I feel like abortions should bother me more
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
