I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
accomplished twins. life is a go
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize
