One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
