Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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