God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
