i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
