After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
