and you said cock pushups were impossible
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
