cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
