He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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