i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
