i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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